ASSERTIVENESS does NOT equal AGGRESSION/PASSIVENESS
As children we hope to connect, to create strong and loving
bonds with our parents and loved ones around us. Unfortunately, this bonding is
not always encouraged. Sometimes when we try to express our needs, wants and
desires, we are shut down and handled with impatience: “can’t you just wait
till later” or “you are such a pain, can’t you see I’m busy”. These reactions,
although possibly just made in the heat of the moment, can often cause one to
feel as though they should not communicate their needs so as to protect their
relationships with these loved ones. With time, this behavior of not stating
one’s thoughts and feelings becomes passiveness. Unfortunately, these needs and
wants which remain unexpressed do not disappear, they lie deep down inside of
us waiting to be met but feeling rejected.
Aggression, on the
other hand, starts to occur when one does not feel heard or listened to.
Causing fear in the person we are trying to communicate with makes us feel that
we are being heard whether by sheer volume or intensity. Although this person may bend to your needs at
this point, they will often rebel later or try to harm you in a different way
because they have developed ill feelings towards you. Thus, aggression is often
an ineffective method of communication in the long run.
So what is
ASSERTIVENESS then?
Assertiveness is the behavioral skill which allows us to
tactfully and justly express ourselves without resorting to aggression or
passiveness. Instead of shouting and swearing; without fuming and plotting,
assertiveness allows us to effectively share our opinions, make requests for
our needs, provide suggestions and stand up for ourselves when necessary.
What are some BENEFITS to
ASSERTIVENESS?
1)
The overcoming of fears which prevent you from
speaking up, making requests and ensuring that you are respected as a
significant and equal individual
2)
The ability to express opposing emotions like disagreement
or criticism without evoking severely negative reactions
3)
The capacity to warmly and naturally give
compliments as well as share positive emotions like pride and affection
4)
The confidence to question authority or
tradition, not in rebellion, but to ensure a comfortable level of personal
control and responsibility over your situation
5)
The sense of when to handle minor irritation or
frustration before you become resentful or aggressive
STEPS TO ASSERTIVENESS
1) Re-assess your Shoulds
Though
we may consider ourselves relatively assertive in some circumstances, all of us
have experienced moments where we have behaved passively or aggressively
instead of assertively. You may be prone to saying “yes” to every request made
to you, find it difficult to give or take compliments, feel overpowered by a
partner or family member, feel unable to contribute opinions in larger groups
or ashamed to ask for assistance. All these situations occur in part because of
your “shoulds”. These shoulds develop
throughout our lifetime due to our life experiences. Examples include “one
should do what people ask you to do, one should not boast, one should not
bother others with their problems…”. At some point these shoulds proved to be rewarding for you, but they may very likely
have outgrown their benefit to you.
It is important that we constantly think about
the intention behind our actions, especially when certain behaviors are
producing negative emotions within us. For example, if we find ourselves
constantly saying ‘yes’ to requests which we do not have the time to fulfill,
we could search for a should which is
resulting in this experience (e.g. one should do what people ask of you) and
see whether this should still agrees with you. If not, you can create a new
should that is more beneficial to you (e.g. one should do what people ask of
you if the request is reasonable and one has the time and resources to do so).
2)Change your Speech
Use specific examples
of times and actions, focusing on behavior not motive. For example, “I
waited for you for dinner one Tuesday and Friday this week” is more specific
and less accusatory than “you are always late for everything”.
Describe your feelings
without getting overly emotional. For instance, “When I wait for you for
dinner I sometimes feel hurt because it makes me feel that I am not important
to you even though this may not be your intention” rather than “It hurts me to
think I am so unimportant to you”.
Express what would
make the situation better for you. An appropriate sentence would be “It
would make me feel much more valued if you were able to just pop me a text
letting me know of your whereabouts even if you don’t know exactly what time
you will be home”.
3)Start Small
Keep your eyes peeled for simple, lower-stress circumstances
to practice your assertiveness. It will be a lot easier to practice when there
is less at stake and will allow you to gradually build up your confidence in
expressing yourself. Be creative and be
brave! Here are some examples to get you started: ask a friend whether you can
borrow the book they have been raving about, ask for directions, change or a
pen from a stranger, ask a store employee whether or not a display item could
be discounted or whether they could demonstrate a product for you. Ask a
colleague or classmate to explain a something you are having difficulty
understanding, give strangers and friends genuine compliments, write or call
the management of an organization when
you see unreasonable or inefficient happenings occurring. Basically,
explore ways to illustrate to yourself, and others, that your opinions, needs
and wants are as worthy of being expressed in a respectful way.
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