Gimme a boost will ya?

Support.

You share a dream and you get pushed down by your Dad telling you all the obstacles in your way. You tell someone you are struggling at work, they tell you how much worse their job is. You say you are hurt and they say don't be.

Is that support? Telling someone all the things which you have gone through? What you would do? How you should do something. These reactions to your situation are all likely to be made with good intentions. But when you recall details of your past experience gaining support,  which were the types of support that were most helpful to you?

The ones where people understood where you were coming from then gave you insights and ideas based on that? Or the ones where people listened to your situation and told you how difficult your goal is going to be, how their situation is worse or how you shouldn't feel?

We react to people's situation in these ways because we think it will be helpful for them. We think we are saving them pain or making them feel better, by showing them it could be worse, or cheering them up by asking them not to feel sad.

In reality,  this sort of reaction may provide momentary comfort or a band-aid type effect, but in the long run may not address the person-in-needs actual issue. Support in the form of identifying this person's needs are essential.

Human needs have been defined in multiple ways through out time, but a simple way of categorising them is Tony Robbins' model:

1. CERTAINTY– the need to be safe and comfortable
2. VARIETY – the need for physical and mental stimulation
3. SIGNIFICANCE the need to feel special and worthy of attention
4. LOVE & CONNECTION – the need to be loved and connected to others.
5. GROWTH – the need to develop and expand
6. CONTRIBUTION – the need to contribute beyond yourself

So next time you are trying to support someone- try to think first of which human need their situation is compromising, and try to see how else that need can be met.

Scenario:
Your daughter tells you that work is getting really stressful and she doesn't  know how much longer she can put up with it. You start to tell her how much worse it was in your time as a newbie, but then realise this may not be so helpful as she will not know you have heard and understood her. You recognise that her human need for certainty is not being met as she is feeling plenty of discomfort with the pressure and negative energy from her bosses. First you help her feel understood by suggesting she might be feeling this way because she feels uncertain. Instead of telling her about your own experience, you try to focus on how she can feel more comfort and safety in her position at work by pointing out and having her list reasons she could feel more certain about her work situation (e.g. other colleagues are also being treated this way and some have even been unable to complete work- thus she is in a good position for she is not being treated worse than her peers and she has persevered in her work till that point).

Perspective,
sunshinewarrior77