There is no end to the number of people who have gone overseas for their studies and then returned to the home of their parents upon graduation. Some of you may not even live at home, yet when you do see your parents, peace never lasts long. So if you were thinking that you were alone in your struggles with your family, don't worry, I've had more than half of my friends and a good number of clients share how trying it is to coexist happily with family after being away for so long.
You return to your home, in their eyes, the same age you left (for me this was 16). They expect you to be an adult, yet they want to continue to spoil you as a child. They remember old traits (i.e. procrastination, sleepless party nights etc) instead of seeing you for who are now.
Sure you used to party hard when you were on home on vacation, and doing your homework or studying took a little nagging. But since then, you've lived alone. You've fended for yourself. Managed to get a degree, learned how to get enough sleep to function and learned how bills get paid!
As frustrating as these changes might be for you coming home, the part that I think we often overlook is the difficulty that your parents are facing! Can you imagine what it feels like to dedicate more than half your life to nurturing, encouraging and supporting this little creature only to have this creature come home large and in-charge. Suddenly your little creature has a mind of its own, thinks a lot of your advice is outdated, wants to teach you about this big, wide world. Whilst some parents might even acknowledge the fact that they must let you be adult you, they still struggle with exactly how much to say or share with you and how much to let you be.
When you think of it from their perspective, its a little scary. Then you start to hope that your own kids will understand where you are coming from when you are an older, more naggy version of your now-self!
Here are a couple of things that have worked for me in developing and sweetening my relationship with my family.
1) Merely Expose Yourself!
The Mere Exposure Effect: a psychological phenomenon whereby people feel a preference for people or things simply because they are familiar. You've been away for a while. It may take time for you to get used to each others' current lifestyle. Just being around might also allow the family to start creating new traditions. You might learn that you Dad now drinks a cup of tea with his fruit each morning, simple things like preparing it for him or waking up to eat with him could work towards building a different, adult relationship with him.
2) Bicker Not!
There is always that one, annoying topic that always causes more strife than is neccessary in your family! Maybe it is about the lights being left on in the day, the way you spend your money or how the children/grandchildren should behave. Think how much energy we could save if we didn't get so fired up about this particular issue. Either decide that when it comes to that one topic, you will not fight back, or figure out a solution that suits both parties enough to not have to address it again. I used to argue with my mum about her not putting things back where they belonged. Everytime I couldn't find something I would get frustrated and we would quarrel about it. Now I just try to make it really obvious when I put things back in their "proper place" or I exclaim outloud "oooohhh the scissors are exactly where they are supposed to be!" and my point is made!
3) Read Between the Lines
Instead of getting fixated on the part of what your family member said that was wrong or inaccurate, focus on the part of what they are trying to tell you that is truth. In all that we do and say, there is a motivation. Your father might ask you why you don't get enough sleep when what he actually meant was "I would love if you could wake up a little earlier in the morning to have breakfast with me". By thinking about ones motives before responding, or even subtely asking questions like "how come you feel I am not getting enough sleep?", we can begin to understand what our parents are really saying.
4) Enter with Positivity
I used to return home preconceiving that my parents would be upset with me for not having spent more time at home. This made me guarded and overly-sensitive in my responses to my family when I returned home. If they weren't already in a bad mood, once I had snapped at them they definitely were! I started preparing myself 5 minutes before I entered my home, putting myself in a positive frame of mind. Psyching myself to share all I could with my family to show them how much I cared about them. It worked! I entered with positivity, beaming, telling them spontaneously about my day and asking them about theirs! A lot of times, even when the mood at home is a little sour, the positivity can spread right over it.
Persistence,
sunshinewarrior
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