Anyway, I decided to write today even though I haven't planned out what I want to say. I am writing to get today's me "on paper". I am writing because I found a blog through a kickass friend and ex of mine that we both used to write on and it felt incredible to have a record of a time more than 10 years ago! That being said, I have not dared to read that 10-year old blog yet. I'm a little afraid of the emotions it might bring up! Perhaps I'll feel sad about a time that has passed; perhaps embarrassed about the way I acted or spoke...then again, perhaps I will feel proud of who I was back then? Perhaps I will be happy that I had those experiences when I did?
Anticipation...the emotions that you put yourself through when you anticipate; they are rarely that close to what you actually experience in the actual situation.
I am anticipating how I will feel when I read that old blog; I am anticipating how I will feel when I start writing a post before I've even started writing!
One thing I anticipate far too much is how much I will miss someone. I miss them before I've even left them! I proactively miss them; so much so that sometimes I waste my last moments with them because I am too upset that I will be leaving them! I have been working on this issue for more than 10 years now. I recognized that I was doing this because I was having such a great time with a group of friends when one of them said they had to leave to do some soul-searching and I felt so upset! I wanted them to stay... the energy was so good! Someone else reached out to me and said "let him go, he needs to do his thing for a while, maybe he'll come back when he's ready". It was at this moment that I decided to work on fully enjoying someone's company whilst they were there, then trying my best to send them off joyfully when they needed to go and do their thing. Man...easier said than done though!
Till this day I still struggle to let the fun end! I want things that feel wonderful to continue. I want to draw them out. But who says the next moment won't be just as great even if I don't struggle to keep things the same?
I need to remember to be present. To be here now. Or if I really feel its right, try to initiate what it is I'm hoping for in whatever way I can if it will be good for both myself and others.
I shall try not to anticipate too much and just let situations be as they are. I shall change my experience of them if I need to. I shall try to take each moment as it is when it comes:)
