Look what the Universe sent me today:D took a little patience but fighting for the sun sure paid off:D

Assertiveness: Listen to ME!...please?

Have you ever experienced wanting to state your opinion, not taking the opportunity to do so then feeling frustrated and upset that you didn’t? In the long run, unexpressed thoughts may pile up and leave you feeling burdened, heavy and clueless as to why... so I thought I'd share a little on ASSERTIVENESS today:)

ASSERTIVENESS does NOT equal AGGRESSION/PASSIVENESS

As children we hope to connect, to create strong and loving bonds with our parents and loved ones around us. Unfortunately, this bonding is not always encouraged. Sometimes when we try to express our needs, wants and desires, we are shut down and handled with impatience: “can’t you just wait till later” or “you are such a pain, can’t you see I’m busy”. These reactions, although possibly just made in the heat of the moment, can often cause one to feel as though they should not communicate their needs so as to protect their relationships with these loved ones. With time, this behavior of not stating one’s thoughts and feelings becomes passiveness. Unfortunately, these needs and wants which remain unexpressed do not disappear, they lie deep down inside of us waiting to be met but feeling rejected.

 Aggression, on the other hand, starts to occur when one does not feel heard or listened to. Causing fear in the person we are trying to communicate with makes us feel that we are being heard whether by sheer volume or intensity.  Although this person may bend to your needs at this point, they will often rebel later or try to harm you in a different way because they have developed ill feelings towards you. Thus, aggression is often an ineffective method of communication in the long run.

So what is ASSERTIVENESS then?

Assertiveness is the behavioral skill which allows us to tactfully and justly express ourselves without resorting to aggression or passiveness. Instead of shouting and swearing; without fuming and plotting, assertiveness allows us to effectively share our opinions, make requests for our needs, provide suggestions and stand up for ourselves when necessary. 

What are some BENEFITS to ASSERTIVENESS?

1)      The overcoming of fears which prevent you from speaking up, making requests and ensuring that you are respected as a significant and equal individual

2)      The ability to express opposing emotions like disagreement or criticism without evoking severely negative reactions

3)      The capacity to warmly and naturally give compliments as well as share positive emotions like pride and affection

4)      The confidence to question authority or tradition, not in rebellion, but to ensure a comfortable level of personal control and responsibility over your situation

5)      The sense of when to handle minor irritation or frustration before you become resentful or aggressive

STEPS TO ASSERTIVENESS

 

1) Re-assess your Shoulds

 

Though we may consider ourselves relatively assertive in some circumstances, all of us have experienced moments where we have behaved passively or aggressively instead of assertively. You may be prone to saying “yes” to every request made to you, find it difficult to give or take compliments, feel overpowered by a partner or family member, feel unable to contribute opinions in larger groups or ashamed to ask for assistance. All these situations occur in part because of your “shoulds”. These shoulds develop throughout our lifetime due to our life experiences. Examples include “one should do what people ask you to do, one should not boast, one should not bother others with their problems…”. At some point these shoulds proved to be rewarding for you, but they may very likely have outgrown their benefit to you.

 

 It is important that we constantly think about the intention behind our actions, especially when certain behaviors are producing negative emotions within us. For example, if we find ourselves constantly saying ‘yes’ to requests which we do not have the time to fulfill, we could search for a should which is resulting in this experience (e.g. one should do what people ask of you) and see whether this should still agrees with you. If not, you can create a new should that is more beneficial to you (e.g. one should do what people ask of you if the request is reasonable and one has the time and resources to do so).

2)Change your Speech

Use specific examples of times and actions, focusing on behavior not motive. For example, “I waited for you for dinner one Tuesday and Friday this week” is more specific and less accusatory than “you are always late for everything”.

Describe your feelings without getting overly emotional. For instance, “When I wait for you for dinner I sometimes feel hurt because it makes me feel that I am not important to you even though this may not be your intention” rather than “It hurts me to think I am so unimportant to you”.

Express what would make the situation better for you. An appropriate sentence would be “It would make me feel much more valued if you were able to just pop me a text letting me know of your whereabouts even if you don’t know exactly what time you will be home”.

3)Start Small

Keep your eyes peeled for simple, lower-stress circumstances to practice your assertiveness. It will be a lot easier to practice when there is less at stake and will allow you to gradually build up your confidence in expressing yourself.  Be creative and be brave! Here are some examples to get you started: ask a friend whether you can borrow the book they have been raving about, ask for directions, change or a pen from a stranger, ask a store employee whether or not a display item could be discounted or whether they could demonstrate a product for you. Ask a colleague or classmate to explain a something you are having difficulty understanding, give strangers and friends genuine compliments, write or call the management of an organization when  you see unreasonable or inefficient happenings occurring. Basically, explore ways to illustrate to yourself, and others, that your opinions, needs and wants are as worthy of being expressed in a respectful way.

 PHEW!

Sorry, I know that was a long one, but detail is sometimes neccessary:)

 

Assertiveness,

sunshinewarrior77

Family Feuds

There is no end to the number of people who have gone overseas for their studies and then returned to the home of their parents upon graduation. Some of you may not even live at home, yet when you do see your parents, peace never lasts long. So if you were thinking that you were alone in your struggles with your family, don't worry, I've had more than half of my friends and a good number of clients share how trying it is to coexist happily with family after being away for so long.

You return to your home, in their eyes, the same age you left (for me this was 16). They expect you to be an adult, yet they want to continue to spoil you as a child. They remember old traits (i.e. procrastination, sleepless party nights etc) instead of seeing you for who are now.

Sure you used to party hard when you were on home on vacation, and doing your homework or studying took a little nagging. But since then, you've lived alone. You've fended for yourself. Managed to get a degree, learned how to get enough sleep to function and learned how bills get paid!

As frustrating as these changes might be for you coming home, the part that I think we often overlook is the difficulty that your parents are facing! Can you imagine what it feels like to dedicate more than half your life to nurturing, encouraging and supporting this little creature only to have this creature come home large and in-charge. Suddenly your little creature has a mind of its own, thinks a lot of your advice is outdated, wants to teach you about this big, wide world. Whilst some parents might even acknowledge the fact that they must let you be adult you, they still struggle with exactly how much to say or share with you and how much to let you be.

When you think of it from their perspective, its a little scary. Then you start to hope that your own kids will understand where you are coming from when you are an older, more naggy version of your now-self!

Here are a couple of things that have worked for me in developing and sweetening my relationship with my family.

1) Merely Expose Yourself!
The Mere Exposure Effect: a psychological phenomenon whereby people feel a preference for people or things simply because they are familiar. You've been away for a while. It may take time for you to get used to each others' current lifestyle. Just being around might also allow the family to start creating new traditions. You might learn that you Dad now drinks a cup of tea with his fruit each morning, simple things like preparing it for him or waking up to eat with him could work towards building a different, adult relationship with him.

2) Bicker Not!
There is always that one, annoying topic that always causes more strife than is neccessary in your family! Maybe it is about the lights being left on in the day, the way you spend your money or how the children/grandchildren should behave. Think how much energy we could save if we didn't get so fired up about this particular issue. Either decide that when it comes to that one topic, you will not fight back, or figure out a solution that suits both parties enough to not have to address it again. I used to argue with my mum about her not putting things back where they belonged. Everytime I couldn't find something I would get frustrated and we would quarrel about it. Now I just try to make it really obvious when I put things back in their "proper place" or I exclaim outloud "oooohhh the scissors are exactly where they are supposed to be!" and my point is made!

3) Read Between the Lines
Instead of getting fixated on the part of what your family member said that was wrong or inaccurate, focus on the part of what they are trying to tell you that is truth. In all that we do and say, there is a motivation. Your father might ask you why you don't get enough sleep when what he actually meant was "I would love if you could wake up a little earlier in the morning to have breakfast with me". By thinking about ones motives before responding, or even subtely asking questions like "how come you feel I am not getting enough sleep?", we can begin to understand what our parents are really saying.

4) Enter with Positivity
I used to return home preconceiving that my parents would be upset with me for not having spent more time at home. This made me guarded and overly-sensitive in my responses to my family when I returned home. If they weren't already in a bad mood, once I had snapped at them they definitely were! I started preparing myself 5 minutes before I entered my home, putting myself in a positive frame of mind. Psyching myself to share all I could with my family to show them how much I cared about them. It worked! I entered with positivity, beaming, telling them spontaneously about my day and asking them about theirs! A lot of times, even when the mood at home is a little sour, the positivity can spread right over it.

Persistence,
sunshinewarrior

Gimme a boost will ya?

Support.

You share a dream and you get pushed down by your Dad telling you all the obstacles in your way. You tell someone you are struggling at work, they tell you how much worse their job is. You say you are hurt and they say don't be.

Is that support? Telling someone all the things which you have gone through? What you would do? How you should do something. These reactions to your situation are all likely to be made with good intentions. But when you recall details of your past experience gaining support,  which were the types of support that were most helpful to you?

The ones where people understood where you were coming from then gave you insights and ideas based on that? Or the ones where people listened to your situation and told you how difficult your goal is going to be, how their situation is worse or how you shouldn't feel?

We react to people's situation in these ways because we think it will be helpful for them. We think we are saving them pain or making them feel better, by showing them it could be worse, or cheering them up by asking them not to feel sad.

In reality,  this sort of reaction may provide momentary comfort or a band-aid type effect, but in the long run may not address the person-in-needs actual issue. Support in the form of identifying this person's needs are essential.

Human needs have been defined in multiple ways through out time, but a simple way of categorising them is Tony Robbins' model:

1. CERTAINTY– the need to be safe and comfortable
2. VARIETY – the need for physical and mental stimulation
3. SIGNIFICANCE the need to feel special and worthy of attention
4. LOVE & CONNECTION – the need to be loved and connected to others.
5. GROWTH – the need to develop and expand
6. CONTRIBUTION – the need to contribute beyond yourself

So next time you are trying to support someone- try to think first of which human need their situation is compromising, and try to see how else that need can be met.

Scenario:
Your daughter tells you that work is getting really stressful and she doesn't  know how much longer she can put up with it. You start to tell her how much worse it was in your time as a newbie, but then realise this may not be so helpful as she will not know you have heard and understood her. You recognise that her human need for certainty is not being met as she is feeling plenty of discomfort with the pressure and negative energy from her bosses. First you help her feel understood by suggesting she might be feeling this way because she feels uncertain. Instead of telling her about your own experience, you try to focus on how she can feel more comfort and safety in her position at work by pointing out and having her list reasons she could feel more certain about her work situation (e.g. other colleagues are also being treated this way and some have even been unable to complete work- thus she is in a good position for she is not being treated worse than her peers and she has persevered in her work till that point).

Perspective,
sunshinewarrior77

Get 'er Done!

Procrastination is my middle name. I've always been one of those people who spontaneously comes up with crazy ideas... but then never acts upon them!

I've finally decided to follow through with this blog though, after multiple client and friend suggestions that I should jot down some of my observations and ideas!

Initially, I was reluctant to begin this process. I thought: 1) who would want to read what I have to say, 2) I don't want to waste more time with Big T (a.k.a. technology). But after much discussion with my tribe... I've decided that there are pros which motivate me enough to carry this project out: 1) If just one person in the whole world reads what I have to say, and benefits from it, I will be content, 2) time is only wasted if I do not benefit from the time- so I'm going to make Big T work for ME!

I dedicate my first entry to its blog name: SunshineWarrior77.

Sunshine: the bright stuff. There's always bright stuff to focus on. Always. Its whether or not you can work up the motivation to sense it, feel it and believe it. That's my aim for this blog. To share all I can with you about how you can fight for sunshine in your life.

Warrior: Raaawwwrrr!!! It's not really enough to just look for what's important... i want to fight for it.

77: my favorite number. the number 7 represents perfection to many but to me is just another number that represents different things to different people- as all labels do...also... I am just one of many sunshine warriors:)

Whether the sunshine is beaming down, beyond the mountains or hidden behind clouds, my hope is that we will always be able to find a way to allow the sunshine to warm us.

Inspiration,
sunshinewarrior77